Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Stop the Hate

Have you guys noticed a pattern? Have you noticed how our leaders use tragedy to push political agendas? Do you see it? In the wake of the France attacks there has been a renewed sense of hate regarding ISIS. Some people get pretty conspiratorial about it, but it’s because this pattern has been repeating itself for a while. A terrorist attack is followed by a loss of civil liberties, and an endless war on “terrorists”. We will never stamp out terrorism. Especially if we continue on the path that we are on.

Terrorists become terrorists for a reason. It’s not because they are Muslims. Despite what the pundits might tell you, and the narrative the media tries to portray. It’s not the reason. They don’t become terrorists because they are evil. Despite the horror they spread. They become terrorists because their lives have been filled with nothing but loss, despair, and poverty that makes Americans in poverty look like Kings. If you want to understand ISIS look to the war in Iraq.

Hundreds of thousands, if not a million innocent people lost their lives during that war, and while what happened in France is unacceptable, what happened in Iraq is just as unacceptable. What's going on in Syria is unacceptable. The terrorists attacked there because France has allied with the US in the war in Syria. It’s not okay to murder innocent people, and the US and the West have been the biggest perpetrators of terrorism since the end of WWII. Terrorists are not going away anytime soon because the terrorist is right here. It’s you and me. It’s the US and its military.

It seems that people in high places wish for us to hate. They wish for us to be scared. They want to paralyze us with the threat of terror to keep us from understanding that they are the real criminals. The people who run this country and most of the West. The corporate giants, the bankers, the people who run the military-industrial complex. War is profit for them. If you’re burning up with hatred as you read these word please consider why you are getting mad. You probably think that I am a crazy loony tune whack job who has no idea what he is talking about, but there is no sense in getting mad at someone who is writing things for the internet. Take a deep breath bucko, and take a moment to consider your position. It’s probably pretty good. You’re reading an article on the internet, you’ve probably had enough to eat today, and you don’t need to live in fear for your safety.   

The people in Syria, Iraq, and many in the Middle East often times don’t have that luxury. The poverty that they face is inconceivable to people in the US and the West. Many of them have lost loved ones in this so-called war on terror, and by and large those loved ones have not been terrorists. Even when this war kills terrorists, believe it or not, terrorists have families, they have people in their lives who love them, and if there is one thing we all can agree on, it’s that love is never rational. Love never makes sense, and losing somebody you love leaves a scar on you that doesn’t soon heal.

Many people in the Middle East have had it tough, and it’s honestly a miracle that more of them are not terrorists. The media has done such a good job of dehumanizing them, that when you hear the Middle East you equate it to terrorism. You think of extremist Islam. You think of everything besides the fact that they are simply people. I realize not all of you think that way, but I’ve seen too many people celebrating war on Syria this past week and it makes me sick. Far too many would rather blindly hate, and say that we “need” to go to war to destroy ISIS. That’s just not true. We will never get rid of them going about it like this. It’s been 14 years since the US started the “War on Terror” and we have not made any progress. Why continue this? The only reason it continue is because the media has done such a good job of keeping us scared and filled with hate.

I’m haunted by images of the two minutes of hate, a part of George Orwell’s 1984 film adaptation. Watch the scene. A leader declares an enemy, and the people scream with hatred at them. It reminds me of the way people reacted to the terrorist attack in France. The leaders in the US constantly look for people to label as enemies to unite us in fear. To keep us filled with hate. During the Cold War it was communism, but now they have figured out an even more abstract enemy for us to hate. ISIS.

It’s good to keep us filled with hate because we don’t think rationally when we are mad. Our leaders react in fits of blind rage, and feel the need to punish, but don’t fall victim to the kind of thinking your leaders have, because that isn’t thinking, it’s reacting. What happened in France happens a lot more in places like Syria and Iraq. And ISIS kills innocent people in Syria as well. They are ruthless, and the majority of the population in Syria believes that ISIS is a CIA creation. Whether or not this is true remains to be seen, but the fact that people there blame the West for ISIS means another terrorist cell that will pop up even if ISIS is destroyed. The cycle of terrorism will continue because wiping out ISIS will lead to more innocents being killed and more misery for Syria.

The misery in the Middle East goes back a long time, but the US began it's meddling there in the post-WWII era. One of the catalysts that began it was the UK and the CIA's overthrow of Iran’s democratically elected leader in 1953. They funded Al-Qaeda to fight the Russians in the late 70’s, and who knows what kind of sketchy shit the CIA is engaged in Middle East at this moment. Don’t be so na├»ve as to think that there isn’t something sketchy going on there now.

There is no sense in being mad at our leaders for their history of violence and oppression in the Middle East, but it is important to know some background, and we need to start holding them accountable for their mistakes. If you know that this is the truth, keep calm when you are talking to people about it. Do not fight anger and hatred with anger and hatred. Like Yoda says in Star Wars anger is the path to the dark side. I wish I knew the direct quote, but it doesn’t matter. There will never be peace unless we decide to choose peace. Love is the answer. Peace and love my friends.

Friday, November 6, 2015

My Resume For The Onion

After looking over this resume it seems quite cheesy. This is how my college advisor advised me to put together a resume. Yay higher education. I also saw God on 4 hits of acid a few weeks ago. Where would be an appropriate place to put that? I feel like I should add that to my resume. It wasn’t like the God from the Bible, but it was more or less the infinite consciousness that links us together as human beings and flows from each one of us. Anyways, it sounds stupid, and I’m probably not qualified to be an editor, but dude, I saw God on 4 hits of acid the other day. That has to count for something. By the way, I’ve been published 3 times on an obscure website for writing satire. I think that counts for something. I’m also working on writing a book at the moment. I know you don’t think I can do it, but Sarah Palin wrote a book. It can’t be that hard.


Summary of Qualifications                                                                                                                          

·         Able to work independently and a part of a team.

·         Excellent written and oral communication skills.

·         Ability to adapt to new work environments.

·         Survived crippling uncertainty about job prospects while putting myself in debt

·         Nice guy

·         Banged at least 3 chicks


Bachelor of Arts, University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire                                                       Eau Claire, WI

Major: Sociology (like a total jack ass)                                                                                  GPA 3.2/4.0                                  

Minor: Political Science                                                               Graduation Date: December 2015

Skills Profile (Really? Skills Profile? Why did my advisor think this was a good idea?)


·         Handled Customer Complaints in a Call-Center with patience and respect

·         Formulated a promotional script used to go door to door for Garden Partner’s Landscaping

·         Able to present information orally (haha oral) and in writing

·         Owning my mom in Facebook fights


·         Delegated responsibilities to other co-workers to ensure project completion at Heartland Contractors like a boss

·         Coached fellow co-workers on how to perform tasks correctly

·         Communicated task efficiency with supervisor and co-workers

·         Slapped around the idiot high schoolers I had to look after


·         Observed high school classroom for 30 hours and facilitated a topical discussion

·         Ability to utilize social media including Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter

·         Developed a follow up survey to administer to at-risk youth who had completed the Fresh Start Program at Western Dairyland

·         Willing to kiss ass to get ahead

·         Once told a joke in class that made people laugh


Related Experience

·         Landscape Maintenance at Heartland Contractors                                                   5/14-9/14

·         Call Center Agent at E-bay Enterprise                                                                        9/13-12/13

·         Landscaper at Garden Partner’s Landscaping                                                           6/04-12/12

·         Unpaid Contributor at                                                                      

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Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Walker's Proposal

Picture Credit:
Scott Walker has proposed that we allow our college students the right to carry guns on campus. I don’t know about you, but as a student I feel a whole lot safer knowing that anyone in my vicinity might be carrying a gun. It would definitely help prevent a mass shooting on any of our UW campuses, and the media has been covering up mass shootings all over Wisconsin. I don’t watch the news, but our UW campuses aren’t safe.

I don’t have any facts to back this up, but we don’t need facts, we need guns. It’s just not safe in Wisconsin anymore. Our state universities have become a crime-ridden, infested, cesspool, where the criminals have open season on us students.

I’m 100% certain that criminals are after us. They are dying to shoot and rob us of our $20,000-$30,000 worth of debt that we carry around. I mean, I don’t want someone to shoot me and steal my debt. But here’s where things really get troubling: Nearly all of the students on campus have some form of debt that they stand to lose if they are mugged by a criminal on campus. Yikes.

The best way to protect our assets is by allowing us all to carry guns. The only downside to this is that we might end up having shootouts on campus. There is millions of dollars’ worth of debt to steal, and with our economy, a desperate Sociology major with no hope for a job might be willing to steal that debt. I doubt that would happen, but it could.

This measure would also eliminate the need for campus police. All we’d have to do is shoot all the criminals we see on a daily basis. We could save millions, and campus cops suck anyways. I think this is all just a part of our genius governor’s plan, and man, what a plan it is.

I don’t feel safe on my UW-Eau Claire campus anymore. I have a feeling that terrorists could jump out from behind a corner at any time and blow my brains out. I mean there are scary foreign kids from the Middle East who go here that don’t look like me! Most of them seem nice, but I have a feeling that they are plotting the next 9/11 right here in Eau Claire.

To keep us safe, I think that we should open up some shooting ranges on campus. That way, those who wish to protect us would be able to hone their skills. They’d be able to shoot an airplane out of the sky before it even had a chance to strike our beloved Davies Center. I’m sure that this is the real reason that Governor Walker is passing this law: He’s trying to stop the next 9/11 on Wisconsin campuses.

We could open up gun ranges on campuses too. Everyone is talking about the need to revolutionize education, and teaching students to shoot guns on campus would be an excellent real world skill to have. We don’t need another humanities requirement, and besides, who doesn’t learn best when there are gunshots ringing out every 5 seconds?

That’s how a real man learns, at least in my humble manly opinion. I don’t need no stinking liberal fuddy duddies telling me about how they “wouldn’t be able to focus” with a gun range on campus. Stop being such pathetic pussies and get a gun. If you have a gun, you have you have freedom, and when you have freedom the founding fathers will become your spirit guides for leading the next revolution.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that the second amendment says that anyone who doesn’t have a gun is a weak ass bitch. It’s in the constitution and you should read that before you go around opposing the concealed carry law that Walker is proposing. It’s a great plan, and if you don’t think so then you are literally Hitler and I hope you get shot.

Did I mention we could also begin training our well-regulated militia here on campus too? God Bless America, and fuck everyone who doesn’t think like me.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

10 Ways to Improve Your Social Media Experience


1.       Make sure that you post lots of memes about the way that you are. Particularly memes that talk about how you’re happy being single, smart, sarcastic, or how down to earth you are. Your real friends won’t be able to see past the mask that you are so desperately trying to wear. It doesn't matter, internet friends are more important anyway. Money, cars, and meaningful relationships pale in comparison to the joy of someone liking your status.

2.       Be sure to post edgy statuses or tweets about how bad ass your views on life, religion, or politics are. After doing so, make sure you put down everyone that doesn’t agree with you. The best way to get someone on your side is by insulting them. Usually they will instantly see the error in their ways, and eventually they will even thank you for calling them an ignorant fuck who doesn’t understand the way the world works. Typically, productive conversation comes after you call someone a libtard, religious zealot, or a faggot. Asshole works as well.

3.       Make lots of statuses about how stupid other people are. Remember, you are the only person in the world who has ever had an intelligent thought. Anyone who disagrees with you is probably a fake ass bitch, but not you, you’re the realest motherfucker around.

4.       Also, it is important that you constantly remind the world about how special you are. No one will ever know that you are special if you don’t post about it on social media. Memes of other people’s ideas are usually the best way to show the world just how much of a unique and special person you are. Remember, worth in real life stems from worth on Facebook.

5.       Post about the results that you have been getting from your latest work out. Everyone is dying to hear about it! Plus, you will get tons of likes once you have 6 pack abs, 22 inch biceps, and when it’s no longer possible to tell if you have a neck. Outward appearance is by far the most important thing in this life. Working out is way more important than finding meaning in life, and all the likes you get will hide how insecure you really are.

6.       Whenever you are having fun make sure that you post about it on Facebook. When you’re at the game post about it on Facebook. When you’re on a romantic night out, post about it on Facebook. If it’s not on Facebook did it really even happen?

7.       Also, don’t forget to air your dirty laundry about your ex on Facebook. It shows that you are willing to take the high ground. It’s also best if you break up over Facebook too. We no longer need to hurt each other’s feelings in person, and it is much easier for the other person to handle if you simply break up with them on Facebook. We no longer have to have the awkward break-up conversation in person. We have the internet!

8.       Remember to like all of your own statuses. If you have a twitter, create an alternate account where you can retweet yourself. You are special, smart, and awesome. Everything you do is way more important than anyone else in the world. Plus if you don’t like your own statuses, how could you ever expect anyone else to like yours?

9.       Make sure that you make tons of jokes about Mondays, coffee, and drinking on the weekends. It’s what makes you an individual, like for real. No one else does those things.

10.   Finally disregard friends who are telling you that you’re spending too much time on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. They might think you’re a social media whore, but who cares? That selfie you just posted nearly has 100 likes.       


If you enjoyed this list, please share this on Facebook.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Atheists to Hold Cross Burning Ceremony on Christmas


Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, and Neil De Grasse Tyson are going to be leading the charge for a cross burning ceremony on Christmas this year. They want to prove just how irrational it is for people to celebrate Christmas. As usual, it is all about rational thought and science with these folks. “Christianity is the world’s most popular religion, and a cross-burning on Christmas would teach them a lesson in rational thought,” Dawkins fumed.

After one particular debate with a Christian, Dawkins said that the “retarded shitball Christian” had said something about the light of “Jesus.” That’s when he had his break through idea: “We just need to spread the light of atheism to them! I rationally thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that the best way to do that would be by burning crosses in their yards. I mean, what could go wrong?”

The intent of this ceremony is to show just how destructive the Christian faith has been to society. They think that it is highly “irrational” for people to celebrate Christmas, and Sam Harris is tired of America being a laughingstock for its lively religious culture.

They are also encouraging American Atheists from around the country to participate in the ceremony as well. Harris says “Burn crosses at everyone’s home who is a Christian. We cannot allow their irrational thoughts, and lack of understanding of evolution affect society anymore. Atheists are the biggest minority group in America, and we need to demand respect from the people here.”

By burning crosses on people’s yards the atheists intend to send the message that believing in Jesus is stupid. Collectively, these atheists have just had it with the Christmas season. They are tired of people wishing them a “Merry Christmas” or seeing people’s yard signs that say “Jesus is the reason for the season.”

Atheists around the country are applauding the move, and are heaping mounds of praise on the Atheists for their bravery. “This Richard Dawkins guy is a genius,” commented Jesussucksmyballs420, a subscriber to r/atheism on reddit, “I think we could really make some good progress towards spreading the light of Atheism with this idea.”

If the cross-burning goes well these atheists are planning on a Bible burning in January. Richard Dawkins cackled with a devilishly red gleam in his eye “We are the Gods now muahahahaha.”

“Hail Satan, I mean rational thought!” exclaimed Harris.

Neil De Grasse Tyson added “Oh by the way, astro-physics shows no proof for Santa Claus, fuck that guy.”


Monday, September 14, 2015

Marijuana Legalization: A Second Thought



There has been a lot of hoopla about marijuana being legalized in Colorado and Washington. Stoners everywhere are flocking out to these places in search of the fattest, juiciest, nugs money can buy. This is in spite of the fact that marijuana hasn’t even been taken off the schedule 1 drug list yet. According to federal law it still serves no medicinal purposes, and it has an addictive potential.

How can we allow this to happen? Do we really think we should just be allowing our state governments to legalize potentially dangerous drugs? I mean I have had friends who became addicted to marijuana, and those were some of the hardest years of my life. Every day it was the same. They would play video games, smoke weed, and eat pizza. Then, they would start blabbin’ on about how weed should be legal, and how they wish their girlfriends liked getting high too. No one actually likes getting high.

When you’re high you aren’t capable of feeling feelings the way that sober people can feel feelings. I would know. I’ve been a sober person my whole life. I have never used my credit card to chop up a line of blow, and then snorted warm water to get the drips to go down smoother. I’ve never had a religious experience on LSD where I figure out what life is about and stuff. I have never ate 2 hits of molly, smoked 2 packs of cigarettes, shut down the dance floor, and made out with a girl all night who ended up being a total tease. 

I would never do drugs. Sure, some of those things that I haven’t done when I’m not on drugs seem oddly specific, but I did that to make sure you guys would know that I’m not lying. However, I am very concerned about marijuana legalization. I think there needs to be more research done about the possible side effects of this potentially harmful drug. I mean it could cause cancer. I remember what they taught me in DARE class: Marijuana is just as dangerous as cocaine combined with Mdma combined with the dance floor with that same girl who ended up being a total tease again (fuck off Christina). People’s lives are at risk every time a joint is lit, and we need to stop this craziness!

We need someone who is willing to take some risks on research regarding the effects marijuana has on health. We need somebody who is willing to smoke weed every day for the rest of their lives to make sure it is safe for the consumption of all. We need a hero who is willing to sacrifice his life for the betterment of all in society, but who should this hero be? Obviously, it has to be a person who has never done drugs, and as stated above, I have never done drugs. Although I am worried about my personal health, I believe that I should be the one pioneering this research.   

I will not let you down America. I will do this deed even though it will end my 25 years of sobriety. One where I definitely never ate mushrooms and thought that I could telepathically communicate with people. My whole college life I’ve been looking for a way to be the change I wish to see in the world, and now I believe that by smoking weed every day I will not only save lives, but I will discover the truth about whether or not marijuana is “harmless.”

I’d like to say sorry to my friends who I will have to leave behind. You cannot follow me to this place that I’m going in my life. Marijuana addiction is no joke, and I don’t want you guys to fall victim to it. I will need funding for the research, and so, if you have pot please e-mail me your contact information to I will e-mail you my address so you can send me the goods. You can send other drugs too if you wish. I will make sure that they are given to the proper authorities to be confiscated.

Remember you guys, drugs are bad.

Real Title of the Story: The Evil Druggy Hippy’s Plan

Monday, August 3, 2015

Local High School Kid Drops Out to Become Genius

Despite his poor grades and a 12 on the ACT, local high school kid Jimmy Granderson has decided to drop out of high school to become a genius. “Albert Einstein never finished high school, and he came up with the Theory of Relatives.” Jimmy explained.

“I like to think I am far smarter than my ACT scores, or my spulling of werds, hell, I can’t even spell words rite when I says them sometimes.” Jimmy continued.

Jimmy feels that he has a bright future ahead. He feels he needs to contribute to the field of physics immediately as he thinks that the theory that we live in a computer simulation is “absolute trash", and he "doesn’t need no fancy equations to tell him what’s right.” He is absolutely certain that given enough time he could come up with equations to prove those scientists wrong. In fact, he’s even convinced that Albert Einstein’s equations were far off the mark. “E cannot equal MC squared. E equals E, M equals M, and C equals C. These equations are preposterous, and I will set off to correct them. People are so dumb sometimes, I mean am I right?”

He also wishes to bring back the gospel to the scientific realm. He feels that it’s utterly ridiculous that anyone could possibly have any measure of scientific thinking without understanding the Bible. He thinks Jesus needs to be accepted into the mainstream, and it’s pretty difficult to do that with “dag gum Obama promoting muslim, nazi, atheist, socialist propaganda at every turn.”

He also thinks that the theory of evolution cannot possibly be the way we became humans. “I mean my grandma isn’t a monkey, how could we have possibly evolved from monkeys? See I constantly question everything. This is what Einstein told us to do, but he’s probably not even half the genius that I will become.”

He feels that Einstein’s biggest flaw was a lack of faith in Jesus Christ. He doesn’t understand how such a smart man could be such an ignorant fool regarding Christianity because “it is clearly the right choice.” Through Jimmy’s genius eyes, Einstein could have been an even better scientist had he simply accepted Jesus into his heart. That’s what was truly missing from Einstein’s work.  

Jimmy thinks that his Facebook page is also a good measure of how much of a genius he is. Apparently he got 25 likes from a variety of his friends at church. He said he gets more when he posts more provocative Bible verses about “life and stuff.” With his solid foundation in the Christian religion it appears that Jimmy will be shooting for the stars.

Musings on Power/Division

The nature of power. What is it exactly? The dictionary definition is “the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events”. Have you ever met a person that attempted to influence your behavior? If you had authoritarian parents as a child you probably experienced this to some degree, I know I did at least. It’s destructive to your well-being, and it doesn’t allow you to be yourself. In fact, I was often punished for being myself, and it caused me to rebel really hard against their authority. Unfortunately, it caused me to become a little like the very thing that I hated. My parents were far-right lunatics, and I turned into a far-left lunatic for a while.

I was constantly preaching my opinion to others, getting into confrontations both verbal, and physical. I began to think that anyone with a differing opinion from me was stupid, which is a very stupid opinion to have. Sure, people believe a lot of stupid things, but oftentimes it is not really their fault. They’ve gobbled up bullshit from poor teachers and preachers for years without ever developing the ability to critically think about their own views on matters. Thus when people disagree with me anymore I just smile. I tell them it is okay to disagree. They’re probably wrong, but I could be wrong too. No one should try to tell others how to live their lives or what to think.  

It’s a disgusting thing that we do as humans. Nearly all of us are conditioned to not like people who are different from us at a very early age. If you grew up in a Christian home you were most likely preached to about the dangers of atheism, other religions, or the wicked ways of the culture. Maybe you weren’t, maybe the church you grew up in preached more about love than division, but that wasn’t the case for me. For a little while in my life I thought it was my duty to save others from their wicked ways. My church even denounced other forms of Christianity, particularly Catholicism. It’s kind of odd how even Christians can be divided against each other.

If you weren’t brought up in a Christian home, but you went to public school you were taught to hate rival schools in the realm of sports. Remember pep rallies? Everyone went and cheered for your team while talking about how your team would destroy the other team. Do you remember disliking other cities or schools simply because they weren’t your school or city? It’s really an odd thing, but perhaps this is just a part of my own bias, as I was a captain on the high school football team. If you’re an avid football fan like I am then perhaps you even feel that hate for a rival NFL team. Perhaps this is harmless, but perhaps it isn’t. There are other more subtle ways this is done as well, particularly if you pay attention to the way war is discussed in the media.

Have you ever noticed how the mainstream media discusses wars in which the US has participated in? Next time you watch anything from the mainstream about foreign policy or the War in Iraq notice how they only talk about Americans who died overseas. They never mention that around 1 million innocent Iraqi civilians were killed. Anytime any type of “tragedy” happens overseas there is a tendency to only report about the Americans who have lost their lives. It’s fucking bonkers.

Then there’s our current two party system. It’s more dysfunctional than your grandpa’s penis when he doesn’t take his Viagra (sorry for the gross analogy, and please don’t get me started about Big Pharma). It really is. If you have both liberal and conservative friends on your Facebook you’ll notice that conservatives call liberals “libtards” and liberals take jabs at conservatives for their religious beliefs, being racist, or they just call them stupid. Sometimes both sides get blinded by the ideologies that they are under. Democrats typically vote democratic out of fear of having a Republican president, while Republicans vote for the same reason, but we typically don’t even think about how broken our political system is. Both sides feel that the other side is unreachable, but this isn’t true. We just have to get past all the petty bullshit arguing that we do with another.

It might sound kind of conspiratorial, but I think all these things: Sports, Public Education, Religion, Party Politics, and Mass Media are meant to keep us divided. They have a tendency towards the same ideals. The my team is better than your team mentality. I’ve often heard both sides say things along the lines of “We can’t handle another 4 years of a Democrat/Republican presidency.” I don’t think we can handle anymore of either, but those in power continually keep us in fear of the other party. There is also a tendency for both sides to be very critical of everything a president does when he’s not on their team. It seems that we lost a lot of critical debate from the “Left” when Obama became the president.

There is a tendency to be self-congratulatory on the left for the things that Obama has accomplished. Gay Rights being one of them. Obamacare being the other one, and Obamacare sucks. It’s not even a good policy. Would you buy Camaro insurance if you couldn’t afford the Camaro? Essentially all Obamacare does is force us to pay for insurance, but you still have to pay for your hospital visit. That’s not really a good thing. It might make health insurance a little more affordable, but what’s the point if you can’t even afford your hospital stay. Yet, Democrats want you to believe that Obamacare is the greatest thing since sliced bread. In reality Obamacare has turned our gigantic turd of a healthcare system into a slightly smaller gigantic turd, and even that is debatable. Either way it still stinks. Nobody is right, when everyone is wrong.

This is how power is used, though. It’s impossible to govern people who are united. It’s impossible to govern people who realize how fundamentally broken the system is. The system is serving no one, but the wealthy. It’s only a matter of time before it really becomes unhinged. We are living in an Oligarchy. One where we do not have a voice whether we vote Democrat or Republican. They are essentially the same team. They both promise the same things, and they desperately want you to believe that they are different. Democrats will scream Gay Rights, Women’s Rights, and Minority Rights. Republicans will scream about the Military, Patriotism, and the American Dream. None of these things even matter. They’re made up lies to get you to continue being divided against one another. We are all being oppressed right now. We are all in this mess together. The elites are the ones who are ruling us, and they’ve got both political parties in their pockets right now. I like what I hear from Bernie Sanders, but I have an odd feeling that he will be assassinated if he becomes president. I guess we will have to see, but he might be corrupted by our Economic masters if he can make it to the white house.

The banking cartels are the ones with true power. Check out the documentary “Confessions of an Economic Hitman” it’s a highly disturbing documentary about the way the world is run and operated by elites, and shadow governments. The Pentagon, CIA, and Federal Reserve are the true sources of power. They have no accountability to the people. It sucks. Hopefully I don’t come off as “preachy” because I hate people who preach. This is just the way I look at the world, and I totally get it if you don’t agree with me. Peace and Love Motherfuckers.

Jake Runde

Thursday, July 16, 2015


It seems to me that as a human species, one of our biggest problems is our addiction to comfort. I’ve been blind to this reality for so long, for I too, am addicted to comfort. It hit me like a slap to the face one night coming out of a drunken slumber. Essentially all we do is used to treat this addiction. It stifles our creativity, limits our possibilities, and limits our thinking. It sounds quite strange, and we will never be able to overcome this addiction because we need some degree of comfort to live. Yet this “comfort addiction” can lead us down paths we don’t want to be on.    

It seems a lot of us end up having to take jobs that we don’t like in order to allow us a mediocre existence. As long as we have enough money to spend on our comforts we keep our minds off the lull dullness that is our everyday waking reality. Go to work, come home, watch Netflix, get drunk, go to bed, repeat. Day after miserable day. The tyranny of the normal is how I’d describe it. I feel it a lot some days, it’s a strange emotion really. I feel like I am being stifled, choked or held back and I’m not quite sure what it is. I get off work and I seem to be under some kind of mental fog. I try to describe it sometimes, but the words that come out don’t even seem to be mine. It’s like a cloud hanging over my head, or chains on my heart. It’s as though I can feel something inside me dying to get out. I feel that part of me, dying to live, dying to break free of the mold.  

There is so much more to life than simply existing for a paycheck. We all know that our day jobs are not what we want to do. I do stand-up, and every time I ask people if people hate their jobs, I’m greeted with uproarious cheers. It seems that most people don't like them, but it’s difficult to exist in our society without a job. I fucking hate jobs. They are the worst. I loathe the time I waste inside buildings around people I don’t particularly like, doing things I don’t particularly enjoy. Having someone tell me what to do. I’m a free human being GODDAMN IT, and I’ll be damned if I spend my life behind a desk or cooking in a Buffalo Wild Wings kitchen for a bunch of fat, ignorant, morons (no offense to people who eat at BWW's, I'll admit that it is pretty good). Yet, most of these passionless jobs exist simply because people get scared to go their own way. We are conditioned to conform. We are conditioned to believe that it isn’t good to take risks.

Risks can makes us uncomfortable, but a rewarding risk is one of the greatest joys in this life. Yet sometimes we forget about this to stay in our little comfort bubble. Take the internet for example. They prey on us not being comfortable with who we are. Not comfortable with your penis size? Here take this pill. Too fat? Buy these weight loss pills. The latest one I’ve seen is the pill that makes you smarter, but if you’re stupid enough to buy a “smart pill” off the internet you’re probably fucked already. Need advice on your relationship? Here are 8 signs you are in a healthy relationship, and its antithesis 8 things you “need” to do to get a great relationship. These types of articles are preying on the fact that we don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation with our S/O's, or our ineptness at getting into relationships. If we were more willing to have these uncomfortable conversations then these “internet relationship gurus” wouldn’t exist.

The internet is full of people telling you that they’ve figured it out, and you should read them because they are some sort of relationship/fashion/food/spiritual guru. Here’s the thing though ladies and gents, no one has "it" figured out. Whatever "it" is. That's the best thing about life though, we don't have to figure "it" out. It’s a bit uncomfortable to admit that you don’t have anything figured out, but once you realize this, you’ll realize that no one has it figured out. There is not a “way” to go in life. Everything we have in this life will be gone at some point, we all have to die (spoiler alert).
If you have a dream at some point you will have to go your own "way". No matter what that dream is, or how stupid it sounds to others you are going to be confronted by essentially two choices: the comfortable way i.e. your day job, or the uncomfortable way, the one that might not work out, but if you’re going to fail, fail in the most spectacular way that you can. It will be hilarious. Laugh at the thought of how pathetic you look in pursuing your dream. It might be a stupid dream, and your dreams will change as you do.  

I have a really stupid dream right now. I want to get an RV and cruise around the U.S. I have not seen enough shit, and I only get one chance at this beautiful, awful, mess we call life. I’m bored as shit, but I don’t think any of my friends want to come with. They want to work their jobs, stay in their relationships, and find something new to watch on Netflix, but that stuff seems awfully boring to me. Not that there is anything wrong with watching Netflix and working, but it seems utterly meaningless to me.

I haven’t exactly figured out how I’ll make money yet (or how to afford an RV), but living in an RV is cheap, so I figure I’ll just stop for a week or two to work somewhere to cover my travel expenses. I’ll also be working on playing guitar, writing poetry, and working on my stand-up routine. Seems pretty stupid right? It’s okay with me though, working a job I hate to afford a far too expensive apartment or house seems stupid to me. From what I understand it only costs around $500 a month to live in an RV. I just don’t see the point in working my life away. Will there be times I’ll struggle, where I’ll be uncomfortable? Probably, but fuck it (haha butt fuck it). I think being on the road will essentially force me to become more creative. Most of the things in my life right now are essentially distractions. I really like being alone, and alone I shall be, alone but free from misery (kind of poetic, eh?). I’ll meet friends on the road. There’s nothing I enjoy more than having a conversation with a new person, who carries with them a new perspective to be gained.  

I love perspectives, and the last time I talked to one of my married friends he looked me straight in the eyes and said “Travel. You don’t have a wife, you don’t have kids, and you’re free”. It’s awesome how free I am right now. Why should I give that up for a company who determines my value? I don’t want to do things that everyone else does. I’ve never had a job where I got home and felt good about the things I accomplished that day. A paycheck is great, but I think finding a way to not to work hard is probably going to be a way more rewarding experience than doing what everyone else does. So what was the point of this shtick? Go do something that makes you uncomfortable today or don’t. Keep living your comfortable life, but it seems like a prison to me. A prison that I don’t want to be a part of.

I’ll leave you with a stupid poem.

Boring life, boring job

Another blog from an internet slob

That’s me


Why does it all seem so boring?

Talk of jobs has got me snoring,

I don’t want one and people call me lazy,

But really this whole damn world is crazy.

Fuck it all.
By the one they call Jake Runde.