Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Walker's Proposal

Picture Credit:
Scott Walker has proposed that we allow our college students the right to carry guns on campus. I don’t know about you, but as a student I feel a whole lot safer knowing that anyone in my vicinity might be carrying a gun. It would definitely help prevent a mass shooting on any of our UW campuses, and the media has been covering up mass shootings all over Wisconsin. I don’t watch the news, but our UW campuses aren’t safe.

I don’t have any facts to back this up, but we don’t need facts, we need guns. It’s just not safe in Wisconsin anymore. Our state universities have become a crime-ridden, infested, cesspool, where the criminals have open season on us students.

I’m 100% certain that criminals are after us. They are dying to shoot and rob us of our $20,000-$30,000 worth of debt that we carry around. I mean, I don’t want someone to shoot me and steal my debt. But here’s where things really get troubling: Nearly all of the students on campus have some form of debt that they stand to lose if they are mugged by a criminal on campus. Yikes.

The best way to protect our assets is by allowing us all to carry guns. The only downside to this is that we might end up having shootouts on campus. There is millions of dollars’ worth of debt to steal, and with our economy, a desperate Sociology major with no hope for a job might be willing to steal that debt. I doubt that would happen, but it could.

This measure would also eliminate the need for campus police. All we’d have to do is shoot all the criminals we see on a daily basis. We could save millions, and campus cops suck anyways. I think this is all just a part of our genius governor’s plan, and man, what a plan it is.

I don’t feel safe on my UW-Eau Claire campus anymore. I have a feeling that terrorists could jump out from behind a corner at any time and blow my brains out. I mean there are scary foreign kids from the Middle East who go here that don’t look like me! Most of them seem nice, but I have a feeling that they are plotting the next 9/11 right here in Eau Claire.

To keep us safe, I think that we should open up some shooting ranges on campus. That way, those who wish to protect us would be able to hone their skills. They’d be able to shoot an airplane out of the sky before it even had a chance to strike our beloved Davies Center. I’m sure that this is the real reason that Governor Walker is passing this law: He’s trying to stop the next 9/11 on Wisconsin campuses.

We could open up gun ranges on campuses too. Everyone is talking about the need to revolutionize education, and teaching students to shoot guns on campus would be an excellent real world skill to have. We don’t need another humanities requirement, and besides, who doesn’t learn best when there are gunshots ringing out every 5 seconds?

That’s how a real man learns, at least in my humble manly opinion. I don’t need no stinking liberal fuddy duddies telling me about how they “wouldn’t be able to focus” with a gun range on campus. Stop being such pathetic pussies and get a gun. If you have a gun, you have you have freedom, and when you have freedom the founding fathers will become your spirit guides for leading the next revolution.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that the second amendment says that anyone who doesn’t have a gun is a weak ass bitch. It’s in the constitution and you should read that before you go around opposing the concealed carry law that Walker is proposing. It’s a great plan, and if you don’t think so then you are literally Hitler and I hope you get shot.

Did I mention we could also begin training our well-regulated militia here on campus too? God Bless America, and fuck everyone who doesn’t think like me.

1 comment: