Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Stop the Hate


Have you guys noticed a pattern? Have you noticed how our leaders use tragedy to push political agendas? Do you see it? In the wake of the France attacks there has been a renewed sense of hate regarding ISIS. Some people get pretty conspiratorial about it, but it’s because this pattern has been repeating itself for a while. A terrorist attack is followed by a loss of civil liberties, and an endless war on “terrorists”. We will never stamp out terrorism. Especially if we continue on the path that we are on.

Terrorists become terrorists for a reason. It’s not because they are Muslims. Despite what the pundits might tell you, and the narrative the media tries to portray. It’s not the reason. They don’t become terrorists because they are evil. Despite the horror they spread. They become terrorists because their lives have been filled with nothing but loss, despair, and poverty that makes Americans in poverty look like Kings. If you want to understand ISIS look to the war in Iraq.

Hundreds of thousands, if not a million innocent people lost their lives during that war, and while what happened in France is unacceptable, what happened in Iraq is just as unacceptable. What's going on in Syria is unacceptable. The terrorists attacked there because France has allied with the US in the war in Syria. It’s not okay to murder innocent people, and the US and the West have been the biggest perpetrators of terrorism since the end of WWII. Terrorists are not going away anytime soon because the terrorist is right here. It’s you and me. It’s the US and its military.

It seems that people in high places wish for us to hate. They wish for us to be scared. They want to paralyze us with the threat of terror to keep us from understanding that they are the real criminals. The people who run this country and most of the West. The corporate giants, the bankers, the people who run the military-industrial complex. War is profit for them. If you’re burning up with hatred as you read these word please consider why you are getting mad. You probably think that I am a crazy loony tune whack job who has no idea what he is talking about, but there is no sense in getting mad at someone who is writing things for the internet. Take a deep breath bucko, and take a moment to consider your position. It’s probably pretty good. You’re reading an article on the internet, you’ve probably had enough to eat today, and you don’t need to live in fear for your safety.   

The people in Syria, Iraq, and many in the Middle East often times don’t have that luxury. The poverty that they face is inconceivable to people in the US and the West. Many of them have lost loved ones in this so-called war on terror, and by and large those loved ones have not been terrorists. Even when this war kills terrorists, believe it or not, terrorists have families, they have people in their lives who love them, and if there is one thing we all can agree on, it’s that love is never rational. Love never makes sense, and losing somebody you love leaves a scar on you that doesn’t soon heal.

Many people in the Middle East have had it tough, and it’s honestly a miracle that more of them are not terrorists. The media has done such a good job of dehumanizing them, that when you hear the Middle East you equate it to terrorism. You think of extremist Islam. You think of everything besides the fact that they are simply people. I realize not all of you think that way, but I’ve seen too many people celebrating war on Syria this past week and it makes me sick. Far too many would rather blindly hate, and say that we “need” to go to war to destroy ISIS. That’s just not true. We will never get rid of them going about it like this. It’s been 14 years since the US started the “War on Terror” and we have not made any progress. Why continue this? The only reason it continue is because the media has done such a good job of keeping us scared and filled with hate.

I’m haunted by images of the two minutes of hate, a part of George Orwell’s 1984 film adaptation. Watch the scene. A leader declares an enemy, and the people scream with hatred at them. It reminds me of the way people reacted to the terrorist attack in France. The leaders in the US constantly look for people to label as enemies to unite us in fear. To keep us filled with hate. During the Cold War it was communism, but now they have figured out an even more abstract enemy for us to hate. ISIS.

It’s good to keep us filled with hate because we don’t think rationally when we are mad. Our leaders react in fits of blind rage, and feel the need to punish, but don’t fall victim to the kind of thinking your leaders have, because that isn’t thinking, it’s reacting. What happened in France happens a lot more in places like Syria and Iraq. And ISIS kills innocent people in Syria as well. They are ruthless, and the majority of the population in Syria believes that ISIS is a CIA creation. Whether or not this is true remains to be seen, but the fact that people there blame the West for ISIS means another terrorist cell that will pop up even if ISIS is destroyed. The cycle of terrorism will continue because wiping out ISIS will lead to more innocents being killed and more misery for Syria.

The misery in the Middle East goes back a long time, but the US began it's meddling there in the post-WWII era. One of the catalysts that began it was the UK and the CIA's overthrow of Iran’s democratically elected leader in 1953. They funded Al-Qaeda to fight the Russians in the late 70’s, and who knows what kind of sketchy shit the CIA is engaged in Middle East at this moment. Don’t be so na├»ve as to think that there isn’t something sketchy going on there now.

There is no sense in being mad at our leaders for their history of violence and oppression in the Middle East, but it is important to know some background, and we need to start holding them accountable for their mistakes. If you know that this is the truth, keep calm when you are talking to people about it. Do not fight anger and hatred with anger and hatred. Like Yoda says in Star Wars anger is the path to the dark side. I wish I knew the direct quote, but it doesn’t matter. There will never be peace unless we decide to choose peace. Love is the answer. Peace and love my friends.

Friday, November 6, 2015

My Resume For The Onion


After looking over this resume it seems quite cheesy. This is how my college advisor advised me to put together a resume. Yay higher education. I also saw God on 4 hits of acid a few weeks ago. Where would be an appropriate place to put that? I feel like I should add that to my resume. It wasn’t like the God from the Bible, but it was more or less the infinite consciousness that links us together as human beings and flows from each one of us. Anyways, it sounds stupid, and I’m probably not qualified to be an editor, but dude, I saw God on 4 hits of acid the other day. That has to count for something. By the way, I’ve been published 3 times on an obscure website for writing satire. I think that counts for something. I’m also working on writing a book at the moment. I know you don’t think I can do it, but Sarah Palin wrote a book. It can’t be that hard.

 

Summary of Qualifications                                                                                                                          

·         Able to work independently and a part of a team.

·         Excellent written and oral communication skills.

·         Ability to adapt to new work environments.

·         Survived crippling uncertainty about job prospects while putting myself in debt

·         Nice guy

·         Banged at least 3 chicks

Education

Bachelor of Arts, University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire                                                       Eau Claire, WI

Major: Sociology (like a total jack ass)                                                                                  GPA 3.2/4.0                                  

Minor: Political Science                                                               Graduation Date: December 2015

Skills Profile (Really? Skills Profile? Why did my advisor think this was a good idea?)

Communication

·         Handled Customer Complaints in a Call-Center with patience and respect

·         Formulated a promotional script used to go door to door for Garden Partner’s Landscaping

·         Able to present information orally (haha oral) and in writing

·         Owning my mom in Facebook fights

Teamwork

·         Delegated responsibilities to other co-workers to ensure project completion at Heartland Contractors like a boss

·         Coached fellow co-workers on how to perform tasks correctly

·         Communicated task efficiency with supervisor and co-workers

·         Slapped around the idiot high schoolers I had to look after

Interpersonal

·         Observed high school classroom for 30 hours and facilitated a topical discussion

·         Ability to utilize social media including Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter

·         Developed a follow up survey to administer to at-risk youth who had completed the Fresh Start Program at Western Dairyland

·         Willing to kiss ass to get ahead

·         Once told a joke in class that made people laugh

 

Related Experience

·         Landscape Maintenance at Heartland Contractors                                                   5/14-9/14

·         Call Center Agent at E-bay Enterprise                                                                        9/13-12/13

·         Landscaper at Garden Partner’s Landscaping                                                           6/04-12/12

·         Unpaid Contributor at Disinfo.com                                                                      

10 Clickhole Style Headlines

Potheads In Colorado Miss Paranoia After Marijuana Legalization

Atheists To Hold Cross Burning On Christmas To Prove How irrational Christians Are

2 Kids On Acid Have Figured “It” Out

Economy Blames People For Economic Slump

Teenager Writes Angsty Poetry After Break Up

Delusional Drunk Ex-High School Star Still Dreaming Of The NFL

Oranges Pissed Off About Unoriginal Name

College Men Leave Sexual Assault Talk: Now 100% Sure They Won’t Rape Anybody

Millennials To Continue The Facebook Posts About Being 90’s Kids
Planned Parenthood Protests: Pissed Off 25 Year Old “Wishes he was aborted”

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Walker's Proposal



Picture Credit: finance.townhall.com
Scott Walker has proposed that we allow our college students the right to carry guns on campus. I don’t know about you, but as a student I feel a whole lot safer knowing that anyone in my vicinity might be carrying a gun. It would definitely help prevent a mass shooting on any of our UW campuses, and the media has been covering up mass shootings all over Wisconsin. I don’t watch the news, but our UW campuses aren’t safe.

I don’t have any facts to back this up, but we don’t need facts, we need guns. It’s just not safe in Wisconsin anymore. Our state universities have become a crime-ridden, infested, cesspool, where the criminals have open season on us students.

I’m 100% certain that criminals are after us. They are dying to shoot and rob us of our $20,000-$30,000 worth of debt that we carry around. I mean, I don’t want someone to shoot me and steal my debt. But here’s where things really get troubling: Nearly all of the students on campus have some form of debt that they stand to lose if they are mugged by a criminal on campus. Yikes.

The best way to protect our assets is by allowing us all to carry guns. The only downside to this is that we might end up having shootouts on campus. There is millions of dollars’ worth of debt to steal, and with our economy, a desperate Sociology major with no hope for a job might be willing to steal that debt. I doubt that would happen, but it could.

This measure would also eliminate the need for campus police. All we’d have to do is shoot all the criminals we see on a daily basis. We could save millions, and campus cops suck anyways. I think this is all just a part of our genius governor’s plan, and man, what a plan it is.

I don’t feel safe on my UW-Eau Claire campus anymore. I have a feeling that terrorists could jump out from behind a corner at any time and blow my brains out. I mean there are scary foreign kids from the Middle East who go here that don’t look like me! Most of them seem nice, but I have a feeling that they are plotting the next 9/11 right here in Eau Claire.

To keep us safe, I think that we should open up some shooting ranges on campus. That way, those who wish to protect us would be able to hone their skills. They’d be able to shoot an airplane out of the sky before it even had a chance to strike our beloved Davies Center. I’m sure that this is the real reason that Governor Walker is passing this law: He’s trying to stop the next 9/11 on Wisconsin campuses.

We could open up gun ranges on campuses too. Everyone is talking about the need to revolutionize education, and teaching students to shoot guns on campus would be an excellent real world skill to have. We don’t need another humanities requirement, and besides, who doesn’t learn best when there are gunshots ringing out every 5 seconds?

That’s how a real man learns, at least in my humble manly opinion. I don’t need no stinking liberal fuddy duddies telling me about how they “wouldn’t be able to focus” with a gun range on campus. Stop being such pathetic pussies and get a gun. If you have a gun, you have you have freedom, and when you have freedom the founding fathers will become your spirit guides for leading the next revolution.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that the second amendment says that anyone who doesn’t have a gun is a weak ass bitch. It’s in the constitution and you should read that before you go around opposing the concealed carry law that Walker is proposing. It’s a great plan, and if you don’t think so then you are literally Hitler and I hope you get shot.

Did I mention we could also begin training our well-regulated militia here on campus too? God Bless America, and fuck everyone who doesn’t think like me.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

10 Ways to Improve Your Social Media Experience


 
 

1.       Make sure that you post lots of memes about the way that you are. Particularly memes that talk about how you’re happy being single, smart, sarcastic, or how down to earth you are. Your real friends won’t be able to see past the mask that you are so desperately trying to wear. It doesn't matter, internet friends are more important anyway. Money, cars, and meaningful relationships pale in comparison to the joy of someone liking your status.

2.       Be sure to post edgy statuses or tweets about how bad ass your views on life, religion, or politics are. After doing so, make sure you put down everyone that doesn’t agree with you. The best way to get someone on your side is by insulting them. Usually they will instantly see the error in their ways, and eventually they will even thank you for calling them an ignorant fuck who doesn’t understand the way the world works. Typically, productive conversation comes after you call someone a libtard, religious zealot, or a faggot. Asshole works as well.

3.       Make lots of statuses about how stupid other people are. Remember, you are the only person in the world who has ever had an intelligent thought. Anyone who disagrees with you is probably a fake ass bitch, but not you, you’re the realest motherfucker around.

4.       Also, it is important that you constantly remind the world about how special you are. No one will ever know that you are special if you don’t post about it on social media. Memes of other people’s ideas are usually the best way to show the world just how much of a unique and special person you are. Remember, worth in real life stems from worth on Facebook.

5.       Post about the results that you have been getting from your latest work out. Everyone is dying to hear about it! Plus, you will get tons of likes once you have 6 pack abs, 22 inch biceps, and when it’s no longer possible to tell if you have a neck. Outward appearance is by far the most important thing in this life. Working out is way more important than finding meaning in life, and all the likes you get will hide how insecure you really are.

6.       Whenever you are having fun make sure that you post about it on Facebook. When you’re at the game post about it on Facebook. When you’re on a romantic night out, post about it on Facebook. If it’s not on Facebook did it really even happen?

7.       Also, don’t forget to air your dirty laundry about your ex on Facebook. It shows that you are willing to take the high ground. It’s also best if you break up over Facebook too. We no longer need to hurt each other’s feelings in person, and it is much easier for the other person to handle if you simply break up with them on Facebook. We no longer have to have the awkward break-up conversation in person. We have the internet!

8.       Remember to like all of your own statuses. If you have a twitter, create an alternate account where you can retweet yourself. You are special, smart, and awesome. Everything you do is way more important than anyone else in the world. Plus if you don’t like your own statuses, how could you ever expect anyone else to like yours?

9.       Make sure that you make tons of jokes about Mondays, coffee, and drinking on the weekends. It’s what makes you an individual, like for real. No one else does those things.

10.   Finally disregard friends who are telling you that you’re spending too much time on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. They might think you’re a social media whore, but who cares? That selfie you just posted nearly has 100 likes.       

 

If you enjoyed this list, please share this on Facebook.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Atheists to Hold Cross Burning Ceremony on Christmas


 

Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, and Neil De Grasse Tyson are going to be leading the charge for a cross burning ceremony on Christmas this year. They want to prove just how irrational it is for people to celebrate Christmas. As usual, it is all about rational thought and science with these folks. “Christianity is the world’s most popular religion, and a cross-burning on Christmas would teach them a lesson in rational thought,” Dawkins fumed.

After one particular debate with a Christian, Dawkins said that the “retarded shitball Christian” had said something about the light of “Jesus.” That’s when he had his break through idea: “We just need to spread the light of atheism to them! I rationally thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that the best way to do that would be by burning crosses in their yards. I mean, what could go wrong?”

The intent of this ceremony is to show just how destructive the Christian faith has been to society. They think that it is highly “irrational” for people to celebrate Christmas, and Sam Harris is tired of America being a laughingstock for its lively religious culture.

They are also encouraging American Atheists from around the country to participate in the ceremony as well. Harris says “Burn crosses at everyone’s home who is a Christian. We cannot allow their irrational thoughts, and lack of understanding of evolution affect society anymore. Atheists are the biggest minority group in America, and we need to demand respect from the people here.”

By burning crosses on people’s yards the atheists intend to send the message that believing in Jesus is stupid. Collectively, these atheists have just had it with the Christmas season. They are tired of people wishing them a “Merry Christmas” or seeing people’s yard signs that say “Jesus is the reason for the season.”

Atheists around the country are applauding the move, and are heaping mounds of praise on the Atheists for their bravery. “This Richard Dawkins guy is a genius,” commented Jesussucksmyballs420, a subscriber to r/atheism on reddit, “I think we could really make some good progress towards spreading the light of Atheism with this idea.”

If the cross-burning goes well these atheists are planning on a Bible burning in January. Richard Dawkins cackled with a devilishly red gleam in his eye “We are the Gods now muahahahaha.”

“Hail Satan, I mean rational thought!” exclaimed Harris.

Neil De Grasse Tyson added “Oh by the way, astro-physics shows no proof for Santa Claus, fuck that guy.”

 

Monday, September 14, 2015

Marijuana Legalization: A Second Thought


 









 

There has been a lot of hoopla about marijuana being legalized in Colorado and Washington. Stoners everywhere are flocking out to these places in search of the fattest, juiciest, nugs money can buy. This is in spite of the fact that marijuana hasn’t even been taken off the schedule 1 drug list yet. According to federal law it still serves no medicinal purposes, and it has an addictive potential.

How can we allow this to happen? Do we really think we should just be allowing our state governments to legalize potentially dangerous drugs? I mean I have had friends who became addicted to marijuana, and those were some of the hardest years of my life. Every day it was the same. They would play video games, smoke weed, and eat pizza. Then, they would start blabbin’ on about how weed should be legal, and how they wish their girlfriends liked getting high too. No one actually likes getting high.

When you’re high you aren’t capable of feeling feelings the way that sober people can feel feelings. I would know. I’ve been a sober person my whole life. I have never used my credit card to chop up a line of blow, and then snorted warm water to get the drips to go down smoother. I’ve never had a religious experience on LSD where I figure out what life is about and stuff. I have never ate 2 hits of molly, smoked 2 packs of cigarettes, shut down the dance floor, and made out with a girl all night who ended up being a total tease. 

I would never do drugs. Sure, some of those things that I haven’t done when I’m not on drugs seem oddly specific, but I did that to make sure you guys would know that I’m not lying. However, I am very concerned about marijuana legalization. I think there needs to be more research done about the possible side effects of this potentially harmful drug. I mean it could cause cancer. I remember what they taught me in DARE class: Marijuana is just as dangerous as cocaine combined with Mdma combined with the dance floor with that same girl who ended up being a total tease again (fuck off Christina). People’s lives are at risk every time a joint is lit, and we need to stop this craziness!

We need someone who is willing to take some risks on research regarding the effects marijuana has on health. We need somebody who is willing to smoke weed every day for the rest of their lives to make sure it is safe for the consumption of all. We need a hero who is willing to sacrifice his life for the betterment of all in society, but who should this hero be? Obviously, it has to be a person who has never done drugs, and as stated above, I have never done drugs. Although I am worried about my personal health, I believe that I should be the one pioneering this research.   

I will not let you down America. I will do this deed even though it will end my 25 years of sobriety. One where I definitely never ate mushrooms and thought that I could telepathically communicate with people. My whole college life I’ve been looking for a way to be the change I wish to see in the world, and now I believe that by smoking weed every day I will not only save lives, but I will discover the truth about whether or not marijuana is “harmless.”

I’d like to say sorry to my friends who I will have to leave behind. You cannot follow me to this place that I’m going in my life. Marijuana addiction is no joke, and I don’t want you guys to fall victim to it. I will need funding for the research, and so, if you have pot please e-mail me your contact information to dirtyhippy420Ilovedrugs@gmail.com. I will e-mail you my address so you can send me the goods. You can send other drugs too if you wish. I will make sure that they are given to the proper authorities to be confiscated.

Remember you guys, drugs are bad.


Real Title of the Story: The Evil Druggy Hippy’s Plan




Monday, August 3, 2015

Local High School Kid Drops Out to Become Genius


 
Despite his poor grades and a 12 on the ACT, local high school kid Jimmy Granderson has decided to drop out of high school to become a genius. “Albert Einstein never finished high school, and he came up with the Theory of Relatives.” Jimmy explained.

“I like to think I am far smarter than my ACT scores, or my spulling of werds, hell, I can’t even spell words rite when I says them sometimes.” Jimmy continued.

Jimmy feels that he has a bright future ahead. He feels he needs to contribute to the field of physics immediately as he thinks that the theory that we live in a computer simulation is “absolute trash", and he "doesn’t need no fancy equations to tell him what’s right.” He is absolutely certain that given enough time he could come up with equations to prove those scientists wrong. In fact, he’s even convinced that Albert Einstein’s equations were far off the mark. “E cannot equal MC squared. E equals E, M equals M, and C equals C. These equations are preposterous, and I will set off to correct them. People are so dumb sometimes, I mean am I right?”

He also wishes to bring back the gospel to the scientific realm. He feels that it’s utterly ridiculous that anyone could possibly have any measure of scientific thinking without understanding the Bible. He thinks Jesus needs to be accepted into the mainstream, and it’s pretty difficult to do that with “dag gum Obama promoting muslim, nazi, atheist, socialist propaganda at every turn.”

He also thinks that the theory of evolution cannot possibly be the way we became humans. “I mean my grandma isn’t a monkey, how could we have possibly evolved from monkeys? See I constantly question everything. This is what Einstein told us to do, but he’s probably not even half the genius that I will become.”

He feels that Einstein’s biggest flaw was a lack of faith in Jesus Christ. He doesn’t understand how such a smart man could be such an ignorant fool regarding Christianity because “it is clearly the right choice.” Through Jimmy’s genius eyes, Einstein could have been an even better scientist had he simply accepted Jesus into his heart. That’s what was truly missing from Einstein’s work.  

Jimmy thinks that his Facebook page is also a good measure of how much of a genius he is. Apparently he got 25 likes from a variety of his friends at church. He said he gets more when he posts more provocative Bible verses about “life and stuff.” With his solid foundation in the Christian religion it appears that Jimmy will be shooting for the stars.