Monday, September 14, 2015

Marijuana Legalization: A Second Thought



There has been a lot of hoopla about marijuana being legalized in Colorado and Washington. Stoners everywhere are flocking out to these places in search of the fattest, juiciest, nugs money can buy. This is in spite of the fact that marijuana hasn’t even been taken off the schedule 1 drug list yet. According to federal law it still serves no medicinal purposes, and it has an addictive potential.

How can we allow this to happen? Do we really think we should just be allowing our state governments to legalize potentially dangerous drugs? I mean I have had friends who became addicted to marijuana, and those were some of the hardest years of my life. Every day it was the same. They would play video games, smoke weed, and eat pizza. Then, they would start blabbin’ on about how weed should be legal, and how they wish their girlfriends liked getting high too. No one actually likes getting high.

When you’re high you aren’t capable of feeling feelings the way that sober people can feel feelings. I would know. I’ve been a sober person my whole life. I have never used my credit card to chop up a line of blow, and then snorted warm water to get the drips to go down smoother. I’ve never had a religious experience on LSD where I figure out what life is about and stuff. I have never ate 2 hits of molly, smoked 2 packs of cigarettes, shut down the dance floor, and made out with a girl all night who ended up being a total tease. 

I would never do drugs. Sure, some of those things that I haven’t done when I’m not on drugs seem oddly specific, but I did that to make sure you guys would know that I’m not lying. However, I am very concerned about marijuana legalization. I think there needs to be more research done about the possible side effects of this potentially harmful drug. I mean it could cause cancer. I remember what they taught me in DARE class: Marijuana is just as dangerous as cocaine combined with Mdma combined with the dance floor with that same girl who ended up being a total tease again (fuck off Christina). People’s lives are at risk every time a joint is lit, and we need to stop this craziness!

We need someone who is willing to take some risks on research regarding the effects marijuana has on health. We need somebody who is willing to smoke weed every day for the rest of their lives to make sure it is safe for the consumption of all. We need a hero who is willing to sacrifice his life for the betterment of all in society, but who should this hero be? Obviously, it has to be a person who has never done drugs, and as stated above, I have never done drugs. Although I am worried about my personal health, I believe that I should be the one pioneering this research.   

I will not let you down America. I will do this deed even though it will end my 25 years of sobriety. One where I definitely never ate mushrooms and thought that I could telepathically communicate with people. My whole college life I’ve been looking for a way to be the change I wish to see in the world, and now I believe that by smoking weed every day I will not only save lives, but I will discover the truth about whether or not marijuana is “harmless.”

I’d like to say sorry to my friends who I will have to leave behind. You cannot follow me to this place that I’m going in my life. Marijuana addiction is no joke, and I don’t want you guys to fall victim to it. I will need funding for the research, and so, if you have pot please e-mail me your contact information to I will e-mail you my address so you can send me the goods. You can send other drugs too if you wish. I will make sure that they are given to the proper authorities to be confiscated.

Remember you guys, drugs are bad.

Real Title of the Story: The Evil Druggy Hippy’s Plan