Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Walker's Proposal

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Scott Walker has proposed that we allow our college students the right to carry guns on campus. I don’t know about you, but as a student I feel a whole lot safer knowing that anyone in my vicinity might be carrying a gun. It would definitely help prevent a mass shooting on any of our UW campuses, and the media has been covering up mass shootings all over Wisconsin. I don’t watch the news, but our UW campuses aren’t safe.

I don’t have any facts to back this up, but we don’t need facts, we need guns. It’s just not safe in Wisconsin anymore. Our state universities have become a crime-ridden, infested, cesspool, where the criminals have open season on us students.

I’m 100% certain that criminals are after us. They are dying to shoot and rob us of our $20,000-$30,000 worth of debt that we carry around. I mean, I don’t want someone to shoot me and steal my debt. But here’s where things really get troubling: Nearly all of the students on campus have some form of debt that they stand to lose if they are mugged by a criminal on campus. Yikes.

The best way to protect our assets is by allowing us all to carry guns. The only downside to this is that we might end up having shootouts on campus. There is millions of dollars’ worth of debt to steal, and with our economy, a desperate Sociology major with no hope for a job might be willing to steal that debt. I doubt that would happen, but it could.

This measure would also eliminate the need for campus police. All we’d have to do is shoot all the criminals we see on a daily basis. We could save millions, and campus cops suck anyways. I think this is all just a part of our genius governor’s plan, and man, what a plan it is.

I don’t feel safe on my UW-Eau Claire campus anymore. I have a feeling that terrorists could jump out from behind a corner at any time and blow my brains out. I mean there are scary foreign kids from the Middle East who go here that don’t look like me! Most of them seem nice, but I have a feeling that they are plotting the next 9/11 right here in Eau Claire.

To keep us safe, I think that we should open up some shooting ranges on campus. That way, those who wish to protect us would be able to hone their skills. They’d be able to shoot an airplane out of the sky before it even had a chance to strike our beloved Davies Center. I’m sure that this is the real reason that Governor Walker is passing this law: He’s trying to stop the next 9/11 on Wisconsin campuses.

We could open up gun ranges on campuses too. Everyone is talking about the need to revolutionize education, and teaching students to shoot guns on campus would be an excellent real world skill to have. We don’t need another humanities requirement, and besides, who doesn’t learn best when there are gunshots ringing out every 5 seconds?

That’s how a real man learns, at least in my humble manly opinion. I don’t need no stinking liberal fuddy duddies telling me about how they “wouldn’t be able to focus” with a gun range on campus. Stop being such pathetic pussies and get a gun. If you have a gun, you have you have freedom, and when you have freedom the founding fathers will become your spirit guides for leading the next revolution.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that the second amendment says that anyone who doesn’t have a gun is a weak ass bitch. It’s in the constitution and you should read that before you go around opposing the concealed carry law that Walker is proposing. It’s a great plan, and if you don’t think so then you are literally Hitler and I hope you get shot.

Did I mention we could also begin training our well-regulated militia here on campus too? God Bless America, and fuck everyone who doesn’t think like me.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

10 Ways to Improve Your Social Media Experience


1.       Make sure that you post lots of memes about the way that you are. Particularly memes that talk about how you’re happy being single, smart, sarcastic, or how down to earth you are. Your real friends won’t be able to see past the mask that you are so desperately trying to wear. It doesn't matter, internet friends are more important anyway. Money, cars, and meaningful relationships pale in comparison to the joy of someone liking your status.

2.       Be sure to post edgy statuses or tweets about how bad ass your views on life, religion, or politics are. After doing so, make sure you put down everyone that doesn’t agree with you. The best way to get someone on your side is by insulting them. Usually they will instantly see the error in their ways, and eventually they will even thank you for calling them an ignorant fuck who doesn’t understand the way the world works. Typically, productive conversation comes after you call someone a libtard, religious zealot, or a faggot. Asshole works as well.

3.       Make lots of statuses about how stupid other people are. Remember, you are the only person in the world who has ever had an intelligent thought. Anyone who disagrees with you is probably a fake ass bitch, but not you, you’re the realest motherfucker around.

4.       Also, it is important that you constantly remind the world about how special you are. No one will ever know that you are special if you don’t post about it on social media. Memes of other people’s ideas are usually the best way to show the world just how much of a unique and special person you are. Remember, worth in real life stems from worth on Facebook.

5.       Post about the results that you have been getting from your latest work out. Everyone is dying to hear about it! Plus, you will get tons of likes once you have 6 pack abs, 22 inch biceps, and when it’s no longer possible to tell if you have a neck. Outward appearance is by far the most important thing in this life. Working out is way more important than finding meaning in life, and all the likes you get will hide how insecure you really are.

6.       Whenever you are having fun make sure that you post about it on Facebook. When you’re at the game post about it on Facebook. When you’re on a romantic night out, post about it on Facebook. If it’s not on Facebook did it really even happen?

7.       Also, don’t forget to air your dirty laundry about your ex on Facebook. It shows that you are willing to take the high ground. It’s also best if you break up over Facebook too. We no longer need to hurt each other’s feelings in person, and it is much easier for the other person to handle if you simply break up with them on Facebook. We no longer have to have the awkward break-up conversation in person. We have the internet!

8.       Remember to like all of your own statuses. If you have a twitter, create an alternate account where you can retweet yourself. You are special, smart, and awesome. Everything you do is way more important than anyone else in the world. Plus if you don’t like your own statuses, how could you ever expect anyone else to like yours?

9.       Make sure that you make tons of jokes about Mondays, coffee, and drinking on the weekends. It’s what makes you an individual, like for real. No one else does those things.

10.   Finally disregard friends who are telling you that you’re spending too much time on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. They might think you’re a social media whore, but who cares? That selfie you just posted nearly has 100 likes.       


If you enjoyed this list, please share this on Facebook.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Atheists to Hold Cross Burning Ceremony on Christmas


Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, and Neil De Grasse Tyson are going to be leading the charge for a cross burning ceremony on Christmas this year. They want to prove just how irrational it is for people to celebrate Christmas. As usual, it is all about rational thought and science with these folks. “Christianity is the world’s most popular religion, and a cross-burning on Christmas would teach them a lesson in rational thought,” Dawkins fumed.

After one particular debate with a Christian, Dawkins said that the “retarded shitball Christian” had said something about the light of “Jesus.” That’s when he had his break through idea: “We just need to spread the light of atheism to them! I rationally thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that the best way to do that would be by burning crosses in their yards. I mean, what could go wrong?”

The intent of this ceremony is to show just how destructive the Christian faith has been to society. They think that it is highly “irrational” for people to celebrate Christmas, and Sam Harris is tired of America being a laughingstock for its lively religious culture.

They are also encouraging American Atheists from around the country to participate in the ceremony as well. Harris says “Burn crosses at everyone’s home who is a Christian. We cannot allow their irrational thoughts, and lack of understanding of evolution affect society anymore. Atheists are the biggest minority group in America, and we need to demand respect from the people here.”

By burning crosses on people’s yards the atheists intend to send the message that believing in Jesus is stupid. Collectively, these atheists have just had it with the Christmas season. They are tired of people wishing them a “Merry Christmas” or seeing people’s yard signs that say “Jesus is the reason for the season.”

Atheists around the country are applauding the move, and are heaping mounds of praise on the Atheists for their bravery. “This Richard Dawkins guy is a genius,” commented Jesussucksmyballs420, a subscriber to r/atheism on reddit, “I think we could really make some good progress towards spreading the light of Atheism with this idea.”

If the cross-burning goes well these atheists are planning on a Bible burning in January. Richard Dawkins cackled with a devilishly red gleam in his eye “We are the Gods now muahahahaha.”

“Hail Satan, I mean rational thought!” exclaimed Harris.

Neil De Grasse Tyson added “Oh by the way, astro-physics shows no proof for Santa Claus, fuck that guy.”