Monday, August 3, 2015

Local High School Kid Drops Out to Become Genius

Despite his poor grades and a 12 on the ACT, local high school kid Jimmy Granderson has decided to drop out of high school to become a genius. “Albert Einstein never finished high school, and he came up with the Theory of Relatives.” Jimmy explained.

“I like to think I am far smarter than my ACT scores, or my spulling of werds, hell, I can’t even spell words rite when I says them sometimes.” Jimmy continued.

Jimmy feels that he has a bright future ahead. He feels he needs to contribute to the field of physics immediately as he thinks that the theory that we live in a computer simulation is “absolute trash", and he "doesn’t need no fancy equations to tell him what’s right.” He is absolutely certain that given enough time he could come up with equations to prove those scientists wrong. In fact, he’s even convinced that Albert Einstein’s equations were far off the mark. “E cannot equal MC squared. E equals E, M equals M, and C equals C. These equations are preposterous, and I will set off to correct them. People are so dumb sometimes, I mean am I right?”

He also wishes to bring back the gospel to the scientific realm. He feels that it’s utterly ridiculous that anyone could possibly have any measure of scientific thinking without understanding the Bible. He thinks Jesus needs to be accepted into the mainstream, and it’s pretty difficult to do that with “dag gum Obama promoting muslim, nazi, atheist, socialist propaganda at every turn.”

He also thinks that the theory of evolution cannot possibly be the way we became humans. “I mean my grandma isn’t a monkey, how could we have possibly evolved from monkeys? See I constantly question everything. This is what Einstein told us to do, but he’s probably not even half the genius that I will become.”

He feels that Einstein’s biggest flaw was a lack of faith in Jesus Christ. He doesn’t understand how such a smart man could be such an ignorant fool regarding Christianity because “it is clearly the right choice.” Through Jimmy’s genius eyes, Einstein could have been an even better scientist had he simply accepted Jesus into his heart. That’s what was truly missing from Einstein’s work.  

Jimmy thinks that his Facebook page is also a good measure of how much of a genius he is. Apparently he got 25 likes from a variety of his friends at church. He said he gets more when he posts more provocative Bible verses about “life and stuff.” With his solid foundation in the Christian religion it appears that Jimmy will be shooting for the stars.

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