Friday, November 6, 2015

My Resume For The Onion

After looking over this resume it seems quite cheesy. This is how my college advisor advised me to put together a resume. Yay higher education. I also saw God on 4 hits of acid a few weeks ago. Where would be an appropriate place to put that? I feel like I should add that to my resume. It wasn’t like the God from the Bible, but it was more or less the infinite consciousness that links us together as human beings and flows from each one of us. Anyways, it sounds stupid, and I’m probably not qualified to be an editor, but dude, I saw God on 4 hits of acid the other day. That has to count for something. By the way, I’ve been published 3 times on an obscure website for writing satire. I think that counts for something. I’m also working on writing a book at the moment. I know you don’t think I can do it, but Sarah Palin wrote a book. It can’t be that hard.


Summary of Qualifications                                                                                                                          

·         Able to work independently and a part of a team.

·         Excellent written and oral communication skills.

·         Ability to adapt to new work environments.

·         Survived crippling uncertainty about job prospects while putting myself in debt

·         Nice guy

·         Banged at least 3 chicks


Bachelor of Arts, University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire                                                       Eau Claire, WI

Major: Sociology (like a total jack ass)                                                                                  GPA 3.2/4.0                                  

Minor: Political Science                                                               Graduation Date: December 2015

Skills Profile (Really? Skills Profile? Why did my advisor think this was a good idea?)


·         Handled Customer Complaints in a Call-Center with patience and respect

·         Formulated a promotional script used to go door to door for Garden Partner’s Landscaping

·         Able to present information orally (haha oral) and in writing

·         Owning my mom in Facebook fights


·         Delegated responsibilities to other co-workers to ensure project completion at Heartland Contractors like a boss

·         Coached fellow co-workers on how to perform tasks correctly

·         Communicated task efficiency with supervisor and co-workers

·         Slapped around the idiot high schoolers I had to look after


·         Observed high school classroom for 30 hours and facilitated a topical discussion

·         Ability to utilize social media including Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter

·         Developed a follow up survey to administer to at-risk youth who had completed the Fresh Start Program at Western Dairyland

·         Willing to kiss ass to get ahead

·         Once told a joke in class that made people laugh


Related Experience

·         Landscape Maintenance at Heartland Contractors                                                   5/14-9/14

·         Call Center Agent at E-bay Enterprise                                                                        9/13-12/13

·         Landscaper at Garden Partner’s Landscaping                                                           6/04-12/12

·         Unpaid Contributor at                                                                      

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