After
looking over this resume it seems quite cheesy. This is how my college advisor
advised me to put together a resume. Yay higher education. I also saw God on 4
hits of acid a few weeks ago. Where would be an appropriate place to put that?
I feel like I should add that to my resume. It wasn’t like the God from the
Bible, but it was more or less the infinite consciousness that links us
together as human beings and flows from each one of us. Anyways, it sounds
stupid, and I’m probably not qualified to be an editor, but dude, I saw God on
4 hits of acid the other day. That has to count for something. By the way, I’ve
been published 3 times on an obscure website for writing satire. I think that
counts for something. I’m also working on writing a book at the moment. I know
you don’t think I can do it, but Sarah Palin wrote a book. It can’t be that
hard.
Summary of Qualifications
·
Able to work
independently and a part of a team.
·
Excellent written
and oral communication skills.
·
Ability to adapt
to new work environments.
·
Survived
crippling uncertainty about job prospects while putting myself in debt
·
Nice guy
·
Banged at least 3
chicks
Education
Bachelor
of Arts, University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire
Eau Claire, WI
Major:
Sociology (like a total jack ass) GPA 3.2/4.0
Minor:
Political Science
Graduation Date: December 2015
Skills Profile (Really? Skills Profile? Why did my advisor think this
was a good idea?)
Communication
·
Handled
Customer Complaints in a Call-Center with patience and respect
·
Formulated
a promotional script used to go door to door for Garden Partner’s Landscaping
·
Able
to present information orally (haha oral) and in writing
·
Owning
my mom in Facebook fights
Teamwork
·
Delegated
responsibilities to other co-workers to ensure project completion at Heartland
Contractors like a boss
·
Coached
fellow co-workers on how to perform tasks correctly
·
Communicated
task efficiency with supervisor and co-workers
·
Slapped
around the idiot high schoolers I had to look after
Interpersonal
·
Observed
high school classroom for 30 hours and facilitated a topical discussion
·
Ability
to utilize social media including Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter
·
Developed
a follow up survey to administer to at-risk youth who had completed the Fresh
Start Program at Western Dairyland
·
Willing
to kiss ass to get ahead
·
Once
told a joke in class that made people laugh
Related Experience
·
Landscape
Maintenance at Heartland Contractors
5/14-9/14
·
Call
Center Agent at E-bay Enterprise
9/13-12/13
·
Landscaper
at Garden Partner’s Landscaping
6/04-12/12
·
Unpaid Contributor at Disinfo.com
10 Clickhole Style Headlines
Potheads In Colorado Miss Paranoia After Marijuana
Legalization
Atheists To Hold Cross Burning On Christmas To
Prove How irrational Christians Are
2 Kids On Acid Have Figured “It” Out
Economy Blames People For Economic Slump
Teenager Writes Angsty Poetry After Break Up
Delusional Drunk Ex-High School Star Still
Dreaming Of The NFL
Oranges Pissed Off About Unoriginal Name
College Men Leave Sexual Assault Talk: Now 100%
Sure They Won’t Rape Anybody
Millennials To Continue The Facebook Posts
About Being 90’s Kids
Planned Parenthood Protests: Pissed Off 25 Year
Old “Wishes he was aborted”
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